Juliana Moves

We lost our sweet dog Bear this week unexpectedly, and I’ve never felt grief like this. He was 13.5 years old, and we got to spend the most amazing 8 years with him. His sister Alaska is still with us, and we’re loving on her harder than ever.

I want to wax poetic about Bear. I want to tell you all the ways he brought joy to our lives with his snuggles and running and smiling. The way he would leap off the porch to go on a walk, even when his hips became so arthritic. He would bark for attention and use his nose to herd us in the direction he wanted us to go. He had the softest ears and the boniest head. He’d help his sister when she couldn’t hear what was going on around her. He liked to let his head or his butt fully hang off his dog bed. He had a certain knack for placing himself directly under you when you were preparing food… And he was always given a little treat. He was always so excited to see us after a trip or even after work. He was my sweetest buddy. He was always with me when we took the dogs for a walk. 

I would call him: my handsome schmandsome, Bear-ifer, my cutie patootie, troublemaker, the biggest puppy I’d ever seen. He was loved by just about everyone he met. And he loved them back.

I am so grateful to have had 8 long, glorious years with him. I selfishly wish I could’ve had just a few more. When we rescued them so many years ago, we thought they were old at 5. We treated their heartworm. It turned out Bear’s life was just getting started.

I didn’t know I could feel like this. One moment I am reveling in my good memories of him and the next I am struck breathless by the ache in my chest, the loss I feel. I can’t figure out if I am supposed to use past or present tense. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop referring to “them” – Bear and Alaska. Loving him, and him loving us, for all those years was worth the pain I feel now. I will love him forever and ever.

How It Is with Us, and How It Is with Them by Mary Oliver

We become religious,

then we turn from it,

then we are in need and maybe we turn back.

We turn to making money,

then we turn to the moral life,

then we think about money again.

We meet wonderful people, but lose them

in our busyness.

We’re, as the saying goes, all over the place.

Steadfastness, it seems,

is more about dogs than about us.

One of the reasons we love them so much.

Thank you for being the most steadfast, loving friend, Bear. I can’t wait to cuddle you again someday.

Love,

Juliana